on becoming a mother...

ahh, motherhood, the one profession i longed to have and the one job i thought would be the easiest to get--no interview, no degree required--just have a baby and voila! you're a mom.

Ever since i was little, i wanted to be two (or three) things: a pediatric physical therapist and a mom (and sometimes i wanted to be a missionary to the Philippines but that is another post for another day!)

J and I were married when we were young--I was 22 and he was 24. It would have been fine by me if we moved from newlyweds to parents in 9 months. J, however, wanted to wait until we were through with his 4 years of graduate schooling. So, wait we did.

A year and a half later, we found out that we were going to be parents a little earlier than he planned. A day or two after that and we were back to his original waiting plan. We lost a baby we didn't try for and didn't know about. It was hard but we knew we were young and we'd be fine so we moved on pretty quickly.

Well, the day came that J finally graduated--why not "not not try" for a baby that same month? (don't you love that phrase? "oh, us? well, we're not, not trying to have a baby...it'll just happen.") Neither of us thought too much about it but I had a funny feeling something must be up the day I ran my favorite 10k road race and felt abysmal.

The day I flew home (we lived in Boston at the time), I took a test--and, voila! i was pregnant. Woo hoo! Everything was going according to my plan! Awesome!

The twin came to visit me a week later and we discovered that we were both due with our first children within weeks of each other. What a joyous celebration--if we couldn't have twins ourselves, how amazing it would be to raise cousins so close in age together.

A week after she left, we discovered that we would not, in fact, be having children within weeks of each other. I miscarried our second baby and couldn't comprehend it. Grief, disbelief, anger. All emotions that raged within me. J and I were able to get away to the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs (incredible God-timing for J's company's summer retreat!) and i enjoyed the crisp mountain air and running through Pike's Peak National Forest--how incredible it was to run through my Creator's creation and realize that He made everything for His glory. A good friend and amazing Christian woman met with me after our vacation and prayed with me. Her faith and peace after a miscarriage was palpable and I was encouraged. There was a reason I was not keeping that baby, a reason I may never know but He knew and I could rest in that.

6 weeks later, I found myself staring at another positive pregnancy test. God definitely blessed us with fertility! We cautiously told my family and only then because we coveted their prayers. We had since moved away from Boston but had gone back to visit friends and former co-workers when i was 7-weeks along. We shared our news one of our dear friends from church who had been struggling to be a mom, as well. It turned out that she was due with her baby girl one day after we were due! How fun that would be to celebrate God's faithfulness in bringing us the children we had prayed for together.

A day later, we were back at square one--I was losing my third baby. While life went on around us, it stopped for me. I closed my heart towards God, not understanding the "why" and the "how" and, quite frankly, not caring to hear what He had to say.

Amazingly enough, however, God blessed me with a fourth pregnancy and you, my bloggy friends, now know this baby as "Baby C". What a blessing she has been to me, J, and the rest of my family.

Looking back on our struggle towards parenthood, I realize that God was so faithful, unwavering in His love for me and for J. He taught me so many lessons and I can honestly say that I am thankful for the road that we walked. I know that God used those trials to bring me closer to Him and to be an encouragement and support to friends who are struggling as well.

Today, I am able to celebrate my first Mother's Day, a day that honors the occupation I longed to hold. I know that many women suffer through infertility, miscarriages, still births, and failed adoptions. I know that for those women, Mother's Day can be an especially challenging day to get through.

So, to all of you who are not yet mothers but long to be, I pray for God's peace that passes all understanding. I could keep going and going on what i've learned but this post is already long enough. Please feel free to email me with your thoughts or questions, though, and I'd be happy to respond!

PS My friend and I started a support group at our church to encourage women through infertility, miscarriages, still births, and failed adoptions. When we met this month, this is what the sky looked like:

what an amazing picture of God's glory! It made my soul sing!